A Witch
This is an authentic picture of a witch, taken by American photographer Robert Graves in the fifteenth century. Notice how there appears to be a small monkey wearing clothes in the background (most probably the witches familiar) and a girl trapped in a glass bowl. Researchers have concluded that the girl was most probably being ransomed for a new broom. This was a common occurance at this time, since wood was very scarce. |
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A spell to ward off bad luck
In ancient Greece (3000 BC) an incantation was discovered by a fisherwoman that could ward off bad luck. She discovered it when falling into a river after reaching down to pick up a ten pound note. Unable to swim (swimming wasn't invented until the late 1800's when a British man accidently moved his arms when in the bath) she found herself carried downstream and was swallowed by a giant trout which had opened its mouth in surprise. Living in its belly for almost a hundred years, the fisherwoman reached a level of enlightenment never before experienced. She was finally rescued when the fish was caught by a submarine. Falling out from its slit belly amongst its stinking intestine she was heard to exclaim "100 years in a fishes belly for a lousy tenner!" before dying on the spot. The incantation is still used today by many mad people.
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How to cast magic spells
The casting of magic spells harks back to the early Egyptians. Three hundred or so years ago they began performing rituals involving candles, strange symbols and talismans. It is worth noting that in modern days we call this religion. Religion was invented by a man called Terry Jones back when the earth was flat. When the earth was made round he fell off and was never seen again.
Spells can be cast by both men and women, although women are better at it since it requires much chattering and waving of the hands. To cast a magic spell simply speak a rhyme and clap your hands. Some people find the use of bodily fluids helpful, but this is not mandatory.
Famous spell casters include Merlin, Gandalf, Dumbledore and Harry Potter.
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Ghost
There are many theories on the existance of ghosts. Some say they are the souls of the dead doomed to forever wander the earth, others say they are the result of five pints of Stella. Dr David Gloom of the Institute for Paranormal Investigation into Supernatural Science (IFPISS) has studied ghosts since he was one years old, and has come up with a startling new theory. Using the very latest technology Dr Gloom has managed to re-create real life ghosts under laboratory conditions. They key to his success has been a new invention he calls his "ghost box".
"Its all quite simple really" he explains, "ghosts are made up of substances we can not possibly understand, which is why we can't see them. I simply give the ghosts shape by surrounding them with wood. There are many ghosts in my box at the moment. Quite honestly im shitting myself". |
